1. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
2. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
3. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-‐negative.
4. Do cannibals play swallow the leader at birthday parties?
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 🙂
7. A chicken crossing the road is like poultry in motion.
8. A comb makes a lovely parting gift.
9. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
10. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
11. Always proof read carefully to make sure you haven’t any words out.
12. Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.
13. The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 am.
14. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
15. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
16. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
17. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
18. Why do they call them apartments when they’re all stuck together?
19. Confucius say man who dream about being a muffler will wake up exhausted.
20. Would a dyslexic person go to a toga party dressed as a goat?
21. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
22. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.
Winnie the Pooh
23. He thought he was a wit, and he was half right. Henri Arnold
24. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
25. Why do people who know the least know the loudest?
26. Time flies like and arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
27. 100% of missed putts don’t go in.
28. A backward poet writes inverse.
29. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-‐tired.
30. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
31. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Jennifer Konerman
32. A clear conscience is frequently a sign of a bad memory.
33. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
34. I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg but she broke it off!
35. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
36. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
37. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
38. A conscience is what feels bad when every thing else feels good.
39. How long a minute is depends on which side of the toilet door you’re on.
40. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. Groucho Marx
41. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. Dick Cavett.
42. If you’re sending someone styrofoam what do you pack it in?
43. A day without sunshine is like, night.
44. A fool-‐proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything
that doesn’t look like an elephant.
45. A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.
46. There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can’t.
47. There is a fine line between hobby and mental illness.
48. There are two theories to arguing with women, neither one works.
49. A hand grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in “Linoleum Blown Apart”.
50. Life is like a roll of toilet paper, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always useful.
51. We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing! George Bernard Shaw
52. Old hikers never die, they just trail away.
53. Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.
54. Old lawyers never die, they just lose their briefs.
55. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
56. A man is only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
57. A man needs a mistress just to break up the monogamy.
58. Confucius say man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait a long time for roast duck to drop in.
59. Confucius say man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.
60. Confucius say woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
61. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
62. A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
63. A pun is the lowest form of humour -‐ when you don’t think of it first. Oscar Levant
64. A rumour is like a used car. To find out how far it will go, the first thing you have to do is get it started.
65. A short fortune-‐teller who escaped from jail was a small medium at large.
66. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
67. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your appearance.
68. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
69. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan.
70. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it’s written on. Samuel Goldwyn
71. A will is a dead give-‐away.
72. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
73. Acquaintance -‐ A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
74. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
75. Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take. Josh Billings
76. After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.
77. Time is a great healer but a lousy beautician.
78. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
79. 38.6 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
80. All generalizations are false, including this one.
81. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
82. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. Sam Ewing
83. Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Fry and Laurie
84. Any one who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.
85. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx
86. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. Albert Einstein
87. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
88. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman
89. Atheism is a non-‐prophet organization.
90. Avoid fruits and nuts -‐ you are what you eat. Jim Davis (Garfield)
91. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
92. Being broad-‐minded means you’re just too lazy to form an opinion. Will Rogers
93. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
94. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Benjamin Franklin
95. A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station and at work I have a work station. Weird!
96. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
97. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
98. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
99. Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.
100. Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
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