Humourous Quotes <3


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HUMOUROUS QUOTES
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
Philip Gibbs
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No problem is insoluble given a big enough plastic bag.
Tom Stoppard
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Keep cool. It will be all gone a hundred years hence.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problem just with potatoes.
Douglas Adams
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Solutions are not the answer.
Dan Quayle
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I have had more trouble with D.L. Moody than with any other man I ever
met.
D.L. Moody
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I have problems flown in fresh daily wherever I am.
Richard Lewis
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You’ll find as you go through life that great depth and smouldering sexuality
don’t always win, I’m sorry to say.
Woody Allen
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Do not take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
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If you want people to think you’re wise, just agree with them.
Leo Rosten
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PROFESSION
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I am glad to hear you smoke. A man should always have an occupation of
some kind.
Oscar Wilde
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At the unemployment exchange, my father gave his occupation as an
astronaut but not prepared to travel.
Roy Chubby Brown
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My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Ruby Wax
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My mother wanted me to become a nun. It’s steady work, they supply the
uniform, and you’re married to God – at least he’s home every night.
Dorothy Zbomak, The Golden Girls
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The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people –
what’s the worst thing that could happen? Maybe you’d get a pulse?
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Dennis Miller
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Being an astronomer is a very noble profession, but it does leave you at
rather a loose end during the day.
Patrick Moore
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I called a temp agency for work and they asked me if I had any phone skills.
I said, ‘I called you, didn’t I?’
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Zach Galifianakis
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The easiest job I ever had was store detective in a piano shop.
Rainer Hersch
***
What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting
keys?
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Harry Hill
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With all due respect, it ain’t rocket surgery.
Yogi Berra
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I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn’t easy, because your
best prospects never answered.
Bob Monkhouse
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Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Steven Wright
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I don’t have a job. I’m still waiting for Bill Gates to reply to my business
plan for him to invest in my new pencil sharpening company.
Harry Hill
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I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying
by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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Estate agents are people who did not make it as second-hand car salesmen.
Billy Connolly
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Let me put it this way, I have an extensive collection of nametags and
hairnets.
Wayne Campbell, Wayne’s World
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I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow dishes for Chinese
restaurants.
Woody Allen
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People make a living donating to sperm banks. Last year I let $500 slip
through my fingers.
Robert Schimmel
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After I finished school, I took one of those aptitude tests, and based on my
verbal score, they suggested I become a mime.
Tim Cavanagh
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I used to be translator for bad mimes.
Steven Wright
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At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 per cent unless the
job is statistician.
Adam Gropman
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I had a secretarial job but I called in sick a lot. I would say I had ‘female
troubles’. My boss didn’t know I meant her.
Wendy Liebman
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Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people
in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
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Robert Orben
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Work is the refuge of those who have nothing better to do.
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Oscar Wilde
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Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
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Oscar Wilde
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I don’t like work even when someone else does it.
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Mark Twain
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They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money
except by working for it.
Joseph Addison
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I’m so against working, I won’t even take a blow job.
Gretchen Cole
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Never work before breakfast. If you have to work before breakfast, eat your
breakfast first.
Josh Billings
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If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now,
quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers…
Homer Simpson
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All I ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
Sergeant Bilko
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I’m as busy as a one-armed taxi-driver with crabs.
Sir Les Patterson
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I’m busier than a whore working two beds.
Lily Savage
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In the days when I went to work, I never once knew what I was doing.
These days, I never work. Work does age one so.
Quentin Crisp
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A job is death without the dignity.
Brendan Behan
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I used to work at the International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I
made it happen.
Paula Poundstone
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A foolproof plan for not getting a job-show up for your interview wearing
flip-flops.
Alan Davies
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Sexual harassment at work: is it a problem for the self-employed?
***
Victoria Wood
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When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your
name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt,
you’re poor.
Rich Hall
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Not everyone works in an office, including those who work in an office.
Jim Davidson
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People don’t think of their office as a workplace any more. They think of it
as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Jerry Seinfeld
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A survey has shown that two out of three women have had sex with
someone in their office. I can’t even get the toner cartridge to go in the copier.
Jay Leno
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Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your
regular duties.
Doug Larson
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I wish my son would learn a trade. At least we’d know what kind of work
he’s out of.
Henny Youngman
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After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
Jerry Seinfeld
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You don’t have to be mad to work here – but it helps.
Anon
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Excuse me for not turning up to work today, I’ll be stalking my previous
who fired me for not showing up for work, okay?
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Anon
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m
lying.
Rita Rudner
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I only use my sick days for hangovers and soap opera weddings.
Kate O’Brien
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He did nothing in particular, and did it very well. W.S. Gilbert
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My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting and doing
nothing.
Max Kauffmann
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment.
Robert Benchley
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Most people like hard work, particularly when they’re paying for it.
Elbert Hubbard
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I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome
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Hard work never killed anybody, but figure why take the chance?
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Edgar Bergen
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I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing , the
rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Bruce Grocott
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Set me anything to do as a task, and it is inconceivable the desire I have do
something else.
George Bernard Shaw
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HUMANITY
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I do most of my work sitting down; that’s where I shine.
Robert Benchley
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Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
Anon
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Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine – it’s a hundred pricks
against one.
Wilson Mizner
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By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss
and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
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The only way to enjoy life is to work. Work is much more fun than fun.
Noel Coward
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Nobody works as hard for their money as the person who marries it.
Elbert Hubbard
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Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
J.M. Barrie
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So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for
people to work.
Peter Drucker
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The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
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The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the
morning, you’re on the job.
Slappy White
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If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Dan Quayle
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I haven’t failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that don’t work.
Thomas Edison
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Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.
Bob Hope
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No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats remember
that approximately one billion Chinese people couldn’t care less.
Abraham Lazlo
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He was as successful as a celluloid dog chasing an asbestos cat through
hell.
Elbert Hubbard
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Winning is only important in war and surgery.
Al McGuire
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The sooner we get rid of losing, the happier everyone will be.
Philip Roth
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Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
A.H. Weiler
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Eighty per cent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn
fool about it.
W.C. Fields
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Success didn’t spoil me; I’ve always been insufferable.
Fran Liebowitz
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You write a hit the same way you write a flop.
Alan J. Lerner
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It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
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I’m such a failure. I became a kamikaze pilot, but I kept landing.
Jenny Abrams
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If at first you don’t succeed – you’re fired.
Jean Graman
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I never climbed any ladder: I have achieved eminence by sheer gravitation.
George Bernard Shaw
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If at first you don’t succeed, failure might be your style.
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Quentin Crisp
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Trying is the first step to failure.
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Homer Simpson
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If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not the only son.
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Stephen Fry
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If at first you don’t succeed, cheat.
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Red Buttons
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If at first you don’t succeed, reload and try again.
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Scott Adams
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When all else fails, there’s always self-delusion.
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Conan O’Brien
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We didn’t lose the game. We just ran out of time.
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Vince Lombardi
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AWARDS
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The Oscars are two hours of sparkling entertainment packed into a fourhour
show.
Johnny Carson
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I’m going to Iowa to collect an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to pick up an honour from the French
government. I’d give it all up for one erection.
Groucho Marx
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I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don’t deserve that
either.
Jack Benny
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Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They
are the first to figure out all the charges on their phone bill.
Jay Leno
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MONEY
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The general advertiser’s attitude would appear to be: if you are a lousy,
smelly, idle, underprivileged and over-sexed status-seeking neurotic moron,
give me your money.
Kenneth Bromfield
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All commercials cost a fortune. Some commercials look as if they cost
twice as much as you think. They’re the ones that cost five times as much as you
think.
Clive James
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Promoting orange juice as ‘cholesterol-free’ is like saying ‘Fly United
Airlines – it’s dandruff-free.’
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Leslie Savan
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Today I met a subliminal advertising executive just for a second.
Steven Wright
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Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted. The trouble is I don’t
know which half.
Viscount William Leverhulme
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Advertising is the rattle of a stick inside a swill bucket.
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George Orwell
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I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
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Ogden Nash
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The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.
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David Ogilvy
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A suicide hotline is where they talk to you until you don’t feel like killing
yourself. Exactly the opposite of telemarketing.
Dana Snow
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Three things have helped me through the ordeals of life: an understanding
husband, a good analyst, and millions of dollars.
Mary Tyler Moore
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Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I
want to get.
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Rita Rudner
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One can never be too thin or too rich.
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Wallis Simpson
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Emo Philips
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Money is exactly like sex: you think of nothing else if you don’t have it and
other things if you do.
James Baldwin
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If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to
look at those to whom he gives it.
Maurice Baring
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Spike Milligan
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Wealth is any income that is at least 100 dollars a year more than the
income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.
H.L. Mencken
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Money isn’t the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I
love money.
Jackie Mason
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Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.
Mark Twain
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It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
Logan Pearsall Smith
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There is nothing in the world more reassuring than an unhappy lottery
winner.
Tony Parsons
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For one person who dreams of making fifty thousand pounds, a hundred
people dream of being left fifty thousand pounds.
A.A. Milne
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They don’t put indicators on your car in Beverly Hills. They figure if you’re
that rich you don’t have to tell no one where you’re going.
Bette Midler
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
Rodney Dangerfield
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They offered me a handshake of £10,000 to settle amicably. I told them that
they would have to be a lot more amicable than that.
Tommy Docherty
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Money doesn’t make you happy. I have $50 million but I was just as happy
when I had $48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Things could be much worse. I could be one of my creditors.
Henny Youngman
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The rich are different from you and me. Yes, they have more money.
F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway
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A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the salesperson to show him
something cheaper.
Jack Benny
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He’s so tight that if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass in two weeks you’d
have a diamond.
Matthew Broderick
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A builder’s estimate is a sum of money equal to half the final cost.
Neil Collins
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W.C. Fields
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If someone says, ‘It’s not the money, it’s the principle,’ it’s the money.
Kin Hubbard
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Money is the poor man’s credit card.
Marshall McLuhan
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I was feeling very irritable and moody. It was that difficult time of the
month when the credit card statement arrives.
Julie Walters
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My last credit card bill was so big, before I opened it I actually heard a
drum roll.
Rita Rudner
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I had my credit card stolen, but I didn’t report it because whoever stole it is
spending less than my wife.
Henny Youngman
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Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
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John Barrymore
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In the midst of life, we are in debt.
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thel Watts Mumford
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W.C. Fields
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
George Carlin
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When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.
Fern Naito
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The rich are different from you and me. They have more credit.
John Leonard
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I handed one of my creditors an IOU and thought thank heavens that’s
settled.
Richard Sheridan
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Can you lend me five thousand dollars? I’d rather do anything than beg you
for money, but you’re the only person I know that can’t possibly think any less of
me.
Dan Conner, Roseanne
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The difference between outlaws and in-laws is that outlaws don’t promise
to pay it back.
Kin Hubbard
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I lent a friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I
don’t know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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I gave him an unlimited budget and he exceeded it.
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dward Williams
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I must have blown a fortune during my career. Part of the loot went on
booze, part on horses and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
George Raft
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The difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector is that the
taxidermist takes only your skin.
Mark Twain
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Never underestimate the effectiveness of a straight cash bribe.
Claud Cockburn
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When a man tells you he got rich by hard work, ask him whose.
George Bernard Shaw
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It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Oscar Wilde
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It doesn’t matter whether you’re rich or poor as long as you have money.
Max Miller
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To suppose, as we all suppose, that we could be rich and not behave as the
rich behave, is like supposing that we could drink all day and keep absolutely
sober.
Logan Pearsall Smith
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Saving is a fine thing – especially when your parents have done it for you.
Winston Churchill
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Save a little money each month, and at the end of the year, you’ll be
surprised at how little you have.
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rnest Haskins
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I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.
Henny Youngman
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If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
J.P. Morgan
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‘Imagine no possessions,’ sang John Lennon who owned a luxury apartment
in New York solely to house his clothes.
Arthur Smith
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I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me, honey, rich is better.
Sophie Tucker
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Bob Hope’s got more money on him than I have in the bank.
Bing Crosby That money talks, I’ll not deny; I heard it once, it said,
‘Goodbye.’
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Richard Armour
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I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Douglas Adams
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The Tax Office has streamlined its tax form this year. It goes like this:
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(a) How much did you make last year? (b) How much have you got left? (c)
Send (b).
Henny Youngman
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I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived by the
seaside.
Ken Dodd
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When they fire a rocket at Cape Canaveral, I feel as if I own it.
William Holden
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Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.
Will Rogers
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The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein
***

takrWhy does a slight tax increase cost you 200 dollars and a substantial tax cut
save you 30 cents?
***
Peg Bracken
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We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man
standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
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Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile. I tried it but they
demanded cash.
Jackie Mason
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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
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If you owe the bank a hundred dollars, that’s your problem. If you owe the
bank a million dollars, that’s the bank’s problem.
James Goldsmith
***
I went to see my bank manager. I said, ‘Tell me, how does my account
stand?’ He said, ‘I’ll toss you for it.’
***
Les Dawson
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I wouldn’t trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk as me.
Robert Benchley
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I’ve written to the bank and told them if they send me any more nasty letters
I shall take my overdraft elsewhere.
Jed Larson
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They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it’s very busy,
when they have one.
Rita Rudner
***
Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how
come they chain down the pens?
***
Alan King
***
I wish the banks would just say, ‘Look, you shits, line up there, we don’t
give a fuck about your miserable little bank accounts.’
***
Paul Fussell
***
Why do you persist in robbing banks? Because that’s where the money is.
Willie Sutton
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If economists were any good at business, they would be rich men instead of
advisers to rich men.
Kirk Kerkorian
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I was born in very sorry circumstances. My mother was sorry and my father
was sorry as well.
Norman Wisdom
***
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx
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I never had a penny to my name. So I changed my name.
Rodney Dangerfield
***
My family was so poor that blues singers used to come to our house when
they had writers’ block.
Otis Lee Crenshaw
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My family was so poor that the lady next door gave birth to me.
Lee Trevino
***
I was once so poor I didn’t know where my next husband was coming from.
Mae West
***
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the
most, are the very ones that never have it.
Finley Peter Dunne
***
The rich would have to eat money, but luckily the poor provide food.
Russian proverb
***
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
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The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Mark Twain
***

pres-humour-510
They had absolutely nothing. But they were willing to risk it all.
Tagline from the movie ‘The Commitments’
***
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
***
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in
stocks. Other dangerous months are July, january, September, April, November,
May, March, june, December, August and February.
Mark Twain
***
I started out with nothing and I’ve still got most of it left.
Groucho Marx
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To force myself to earn more money, I determined to spend more.
James Agate
***
I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living
apart.
Saki
***
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in
your pocket.
Kin Hubbard
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Now that he was rich he was not thought ignorant any more, but simply
eccentric.
Mavis Gallant
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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life – unless I have to buy
something.
Jackie Mason
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All your life I gave you nothing, and still you ask for more.
Gilbert and George
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Any man who has ten thousand dollars left when he dies is a failure.
***
rrol Flynn
***
The rich are different from you and me. They pay less taxes.
Peter de Vries
***
CHARITY
***
We are here on earth to do good for others; what the others are here for I
have no idea.
W.H. Auden
***
‘Please, sir,’ pleaded the stranger, ‘would you be so kind as to help a poor
unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can’t find work? All I have in the world is
this gun.’
***
Martin Latham
***
Victoria Beckham gives away all her old clothes to starving children. Well,
who are they going to fit?
***
Pauline Calf
***
During the festive season we must not forget those who are less fortunate
than ourselves – the poor. They may attempt to burgle your house while you are
at church.
Mr Cholmondley-Warner, Harry Enfield and Chums
***
When it comes to giving to others, I stop at nothing.
Roger Price
***
I don’t get paid enough to care.
Conan O’Brien
***
A homeless person said, ‘I haven’t had anything to eat for two days.’ I said,
‘I wish I had your willpower.’
***
Roy Chubby Brown
***
I’m sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.
W.C. Fields
***
In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.
Gary Trudeau
***
He threw his money around like a man with no arms.
Unknown
***
BUSINESSN STRATEGY
***
The general was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.
Oscar Wilde
***
Generals detest generals on their own side far more than they dislike the
enemy.
Peter Ustinov
***
In a civil war, a general must know exactly when to move over to the other
side.
Henry Reed
***
Sometime they’ll give a war and nobody will come.
Carl Sandburg
***
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
***
No one ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Kin Hubbard
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BUSINESS
***
The quickest way to make a million? Marry it.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
***
No woman marries for money: they are all clever enough, before marrying a
millionaire, to fall in love with him first.
Cesare Pavese
***
If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late.
James Goldsmith
***
The quickest way to make a million in musical theatre is to start with two
million.
Andrew Lloyd Webber
***
The quickest way to make a million is to start your own religion. L. Ron
Hubbard
***
The first rule of business is: do other men for they would do you.
***
Paul Rodriguez
***
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was
last year.
Marty Allen
***
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
respectable.
J.K. Galbraith
***
Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without
resorting to violence.
Max Amsterdam
***
The art of management is the art of taking credit for other people’s work.
***
Cesare Pavese
***
Gentlemen prefer bonds.
Andrew Mellon
***
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
***
There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he
can’t afford it, and when he can.
Mark Twain
***
There is hardly anything in the world that some man cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
John Ruskin
***
Insider trading is just another way of saying ‘stealing too fast’.
Calvin Trillin
***
Elbert Gary of the United Steel Company never saw a blast furnace until
after he was dead.
Benjamin Stolberg
***
ADVERTISING
***
Titanic Beer: goes down better than the real thing.
Advert for Titanic Beer
***
Death: bit of a worry, isn’t it?
***
Advert outside a church
***
Following the success enjoyed by French Connection after they became
known as FCUK, I was wondering if I could market the strip used by my son’s
rugby team. He plays for the Chipping Norton Under Tens.
Jeremy Clarkson
***
EDUCATION
***
I read Shakespeare and the Bible and I can shoot dice. That’s what I call a
liberal education.
Tallulah Bankhead
***
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
Laurence J. Peter
***
You can’t expect a boy to be depraved until he has been to a good school.
Saki
***
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things
like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. You pay good money
for that in later life.
Emo Philips
***
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used
to write essays like ‘What I’m Going to be if I Grow up’.
Lenny Bruce
***
In our school, you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if
you didn’t have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
***
If Thomas Edison went to business school, we would all be reading by
bigger candles.
Mark McCormack
***
Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars
to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.
Bill Vaughan
***
I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I
was doing wrong -highlighting with black magic marker.
Jeff Altman
***
I owe a lot to my teachers and mean to pay them back some day.
Stephen Leacock
***
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t teach,
teach gym.
Sam Levenson
***
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach
gym. And those who can’t teach gym, become experts.
Roseanne
***
An expert is any lecturer from out of town, with slides.
Jim Baumgarten
***
An expert is a person who can take something you knew already and make it
sound confusing.
Herbert Prochnow
***
A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.
W.H.Auden
***
INSPIRATION
***
Let the credulous and the vulgar continue to believe that all mental woes
can be cured by a daily application of old Greek myths to their private parts.
Vladimir Nabokov
***
The dawn is a term for the early morning used by poets and other people
who don’t have to get up.
Oliver Iferford
***
It’s too early in the morning for it to be too early in the morning.
Terry Pratchett
***
The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.
***
Karl Marx
***
I bought a self-help tape called How to Handle Disappointment. I got it
home and the box was empty.
Jonathan Droll
***
The early bird may catch the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the
cheese.
Jon Hammond
***
The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late.
Milton Berle
***
The early bird need not pursue the worm when he can order pizza at
midnight.
Charles M. Schulz
***
An appointment at 9.00 am? You mean to say, there are two nine o’clocks?
***
Tallulah Bankhead
***
You continually arrive late for work. Yes, but see how early I leave.
***
Charles Lamb
***
We spend our lives on the run. We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the
clock, get up again, go to work, and then we retire… And what do they give us?
A bloody gold watch!
***
Dave Allen
***
Whenever I start to think the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post
Office.
Billy Connolly
***
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Mark Twain
***
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx
***
I took a course in speed-waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.
Steven Wright
***
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches IS
never sure.
Segal’s Law
***
A year is a period of 365 disappointments. Ambrose Bierce
***
In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the mornmg.
F. Scott FitzgeIaJd
***
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
***
OPTIMISM AND PESSIMISM
***
Cheer up! The worst is yet to come!
***
Chase Johnson
***
He not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
Michael Arlen
***
Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Alexander Pope
***
He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by
talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.
P.G. Wodehouse
***
An optimist is someone on death row who is also a member of Weight
Watchers.
Jonathan Katz
***
Optimist: a proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
Ambrose Bierce
***
An optimist is one who fills in his crossword puzzle in ink.
Clement Shorter
***
I like to think of myself as an optimist with a reality chaser. I know the glass
is half full. I just want to know who the hell’s been drinking out of it, and do I
have to pay full price?
***
Bob Zany
***
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the
aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
George Bernard Shaw
***
The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train.
Robert Lowell
***
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get
out.
George Jean
***
A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
Elbert Hubbard
***
Since I gave up hope, I feel so much better.
John Oshmne
***
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is half empty.
And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo
***
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates
them for it.
George Bernard Shaw
***
Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll: The optimist
sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole.
Unknown
***
Due to budgetary constraints, the ligh at the end of the tunnel will be turned
off until further notice.
Unknown
***
There is always a right way and a wrong way, and the wrong way always
seems the more reasonable.
George Moore
***
Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.
Oscar Wilde
***
What’s right is what’s left if you do everything wrong.
Robin Williams
***
When you say you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not
the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
Otto von Bismarck
***
These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
Groucho Marx
***
LUCK
***
Everything went right for him until the day he was born.
***
Victor Borge
***
If it was raining soup, he’d be out with forks.
***
Brendan Behan
***
Just my luck. I was at the airport when my ship came in.
***
Henny Youngman
***
As one door closes another falls on top of you.
Angus Deayton
***
Luck is not something you can mention in the presence of a self-made man.
***
.B. White
***
Nothing is as obnoxious as other people’s luck.
Mark Twain
***
It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.
Charlie Brown
***
A man’s gotta make at least one bet every day otherwise he could be
walking around lucky and never know it.
Jimmy Jones
***
My uncle had a rabbit’s foot for 30 years. His other foot was quite normal.
Tom Griffin
***
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice
cream fall from the cone.
Jim Freiberg
***
If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
Blue Song
***
What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.
Kitty O’Neill Collins
***
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the
boxing-glove.
P.G. Wodehouse
***
Fate is what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person
screwing you over.
Bill Hart
***
I’m so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples, I’d come out
sucking my thumb.
Freddie Starr
***
I’m not a fatalist, but even if I were, what could I do about it?
***
Emo Philips
***
LOST: black and white dog, blind in left eye, half of right ear missing, no
tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
Newspaper advertisement
***
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we don’t like?
***
Jean Cocteau
***
We all have enough strength to bear the misfortunes of others.
La Rochefoucauld
***
If your boat doesn’t come in, swim out to it.
Jonathan Winters
***
HAPPINESS AND SADNESS
***
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
Ambrose Bierce
***
Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.
Johnny Carson
***
Homer, lighten up. You’re making ‘Happy Hour’ bitterly ironic.
Marge Simpson
***
Happiness is nothing more than health and a poor memory.
Albert Schweitzer
***
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it
was too late.
Max Kaufmann
***
The occasional lacing of my husband’s dinner with cat food has done
wonders for my spirit.
Lana Tate
***
If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing
a symphony, growing dahlias, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert.
W. Beran Wolf
***
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring
leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson
***
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Henny Youngman
***
When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me
happiness. I was right.
Gahan Wilson
***
If you want to be happy for a short time, get drunk; happy for a long fall in
love; happy for ever, take up gardening.
Chinese saying
***
Hollywood, if you don’t have happiness, you send out for it.
Rex Reed
***
We can sympathize with people’s pains, but not with their pleasures.
Unknown
***
There is something curiously boring about somebody else’s happiness.
Aldous Huxley
***
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The
other is to get it.
George Bernard Shaw
***
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched
for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
P.G. Wodehouse
***
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
***

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One response to “Humourous Quotes <3

  1. Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and actual effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to get something done.

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